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Subject:Help my sentence... please From:Betsy Maaks <bmaaks -at- FRAME -dot- COM> Date:Mon, 7 Aug 1995 15:09:53 CDT
On Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:46:26 , you wrote:
>The user manual I'm editing has this sentence:
>In addition, the framis requires a thingy to have been developed, using the
>whatsis tool, that contains whoosies to be used in the whizbang.
>(It's the framis that contains the whoosies, and the whoosies that are being
>used in the whizbang.)
>Help!
>TIA
>Stacey Kahn
>SKahn -at- wb -dot- com
This is what Dilbert's Alice called "multi-topic sentenced." The cure is to
make "short, stubby ones" that contain only one topic. It reads like you
have five items here. Pick one to talk about, namely the MAIN topic. Then go
to the next:
"The FRAMIS
The framis is a ___. It is used for ____. It requires a thingy (footnote
here?). It contains whoosies.
(Footnote?) The thingy is a ___. It is developed using a whatsis tool.
Whoosies are ___. They are also used in the whizbang.
The WHIZBANG
The whizbang is a ___. It is used for ____. It requires whoozies (see above)."
Now, your sentence doesn't say what you explained between parentheses. In
the first place, what does the whizbang have to do with the framis? What you
are telling me--that the Whoosies have two purposes: the framis and the
whizbang? Is this the real main idea?
Also, the verb tense "to have been developed" is awkward, because it puts
the developed thingy as a prerequisite to the creation of the framis. First
you develop the thingy, then you use it in the framis.
Think "short and stubby." Also try to remain chronological, putting first
things first. And third, focus on the main topic. You don't have to explain
everything exhaustively in one sentence. Rather, explain the main topic,
which may be the pieces of the whole (i.e., the five items), and then
explain each one, followed by the interconnections between them.
KIS!
Betsy Maaks
****************************************************************
Betsy Maaks + Frame Technology Corp.
312-266-3208 + Advanced Products
bmaaks -at- frame -dot- com + 441 W. Huron Street
+ Chicago, IL 60610
