TechWhirl (TECHWR-L) is a resource for technical writing and technical communications professionals of all experience levels and in all industries to share their experiences and acquire information.
For two decades, technical communicators have turned to TechWhirl to ask and answer questions about the always-changing world of technical communications, such as tools, skills, career paths, methodologies, and emerging industries. The TechWhirl Archives and magazine, created for, by and about technical writers, offer a wealth of knowledge to everyone with an interest in any aspect of technical communications.
Subject:Re: Help my sentence... please From:Gina <psu02909 -at- ODIN -dot- CC -dot- PDX -dot- EDU> Date:Mon, 7 Aug 1995 13:56:33 -0700
On Mon, 7 Aug 1995, Betsy Maaks wrote:
> On Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:46:26 , you wrote:
> >The user manual I'm editing has this sentence:
> >
> >
> >In addition, the framis requires a thingy to have been developed, using the
> >whatsis tool, that contains whoosies to be used in the whizbang.
> >
> >(It's the framis that contains the whoosies, and the whoosies that are being
> >used in the whizbang.)
> >
> >Help!
> >
> >TIA
> >Stacey Kahn
> >SKahn -at- wb -dot- com
How 'bout: In addition, the framis requires a thingy to have been
developed, which in turn uses the whatsis tool that contains whoosies
used in the whizbang.
Nadia
> > > >
> This is what Dilbert's Alice called "multi-topic sentenced." The cure is to
> make "short, stubby ones" that contain only one topic. It reads like you
> have five items here. Pick one to talk about, namely the MAIN topic. Then go
> to the next:
> "The FRAMIS
> The framis is a ___. It is used for ____. It requires a thingy (footnote
> here?). It contains whoosies.
> (Footnote?) The thingy is a ___. It is developed using a whatsis tool.
> Whoosies are ___. They are also used in the whizbang.
> The WHIZBANG
> The whizbang is a ___. It is used for ____. It requires whoozies (see above)."
> Now, your sentence doesn't say what you explained between parentheses. In
> the first place, what does the whizbang have to do with the framis? What you
> are telling me--that the Whoosies have two purposes: the framis and the
> whizbang? Is this the real main idea?
> Also, the verb tense "to have been developed" is awkward, because it puts
> the developed thingy as a prerequisite to the creation of the framis. First
> you develop the thingy, then you use it in the framis.
> Think "short and stubby." Also try to remain chronological, putting first
> things first. And third, focus on the main topic. You don't have to explain
> everything exhaustively in one sentence. Rather, explain the main topic,
> which may be the pieces of the whole (i.e., the five items), and then
> explain each one, followed by the interconnections between them.
> KIS!
> Betsy Maaks
> ****************************************************************
> Betsy Maaks + Frame Technology Corp.
> 312-266-3208 + Advanced Products
> bmaaks -at- frame -dot- com + 441 W. Huron Street
> + Chicago, IL 60610
