Re: Repeat the verb?

["Kathleen MacDowell" <kathleen -at- writefortheuser -dot- com>]

Nice job, but I'd be careful about deleting "most effectively" without
checking with someone.

It sounds like this document is working toward regulation of how banks
take on risk (duh), and if "most effectively" was eliminated, it could
leave more wiggle room to avoid being careful.

All in all a weak statement, though, in regulatory terms.

Regards,

Kathleen

On Tue, Apr 22, 2008 at 2:06 PM, Combs, Richard
<richard -dot- combs -at- polycom -dot- com> wrote:
> Pinkham, Jim wrote:
>
>  > I'm voting with Kathleen. Adding the pronoun provides a
>  > second independent clause and a very clear
>  > subject-verb-object construction.
>
>  I'm with Kathleen, too. The parallelism of two independent clauses makes
>  the sentence much easier to follow, IMHO. Of course, the comma stays in
>  that case.
>
>  I have one other suggestion: it should be "_the_ manner," not "_a_
>  manner." Logically, there's only _one_ manner that _most_ effectively
>  enables <blah><blah>. So here's the edited sentence:
>
>
>  ---The bank should have clear standards for the collection and
>  modification of all elements, and it should combine these elements in
>  the manner that most effectively enables it to quantify its exposure to
>  operational risk.
>
>  Still, that dependent clause is pretty awkward. Is the superlative
>  really necessary? How about this:
>
>
>  ---The bank should have clear standards for the collection and
>  modification of all elements, and it should combine these elements in a
>  manner that enables it to quantify its exposure to operational risk.
>
>  OK, I'll quit now. :-)
>
>  Richard
>
>
>  ------
>  Richard G. Combs
>  Senior Technical Writer
>  Polycom, Inc.
>  richardDOTcombs AT polycomDOTcom
>  303-223-5111
>  ------
>  rgcombs AT gmailDOTcom
>  303-777-0436
>  ------
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



-- 
Kathleen MacDowell
www.writefortheuser.com
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