SATIRE: How I got to be a smug tech writer

[Andrew Plato <aplato -at- EASYSTREET -dot- COM>]

WARNING: THIS MESSAGE CONTAINS FUNNY, IRREVERENT STUFF ABOUT TECHNICAL
WRITING.  IT ALSO CONTAINS MANY GRAMMAR ERRORS THAT WERE SPECIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO IRRITATE PEOPLE.  PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS SUGGESTED.

How I Got to be a Smug Tech Writer
by Andrew Plato
Superior Human Being

In the beginning, I was special.  People told me I was more special then
them.  My Mom would tell me all the time how I was her "special little
boy."  I knew right then that I was destined for greatness.

Then I discovered technical writing.  The one true place my smugosity could
flourish.  So while I was in collage, I spend countless hours telling
people how many spaces to put between sentences and how to properly discuss
Microsoft products.

When I got out of college with a degree in Creative Superiority, I wrote
deep and meaningful works about God and UNIX.  A company hired me as a
junior butt scratcher.  After three minutes on the job, I demanded an
ergonomic neck warmer and a Starbucks brain implant.  I struggled hard for
two hours a day to write a sentence or two.  Then, one glorious day, I
discovered the immense wonderousness of METHODOLOGIES.  Here was the
ultimate outlet for my smugosity.

I demanded that my company have a tech writing methodology, style book,
techniques manual, approved template list, library, version control,
breathing regulators, and approved list of letters.  Since my bosses were
so impressed with my "can do" attitude, they hired me to Senior Executive
Important Person.  I hired a staff of 25 and we set out to build the
world's perfect technical publications department.

10 years later, we had templates, methodologies, and a fantastic brain-wave
control center.  All actions of each writer including urination and burping
were accurately tracked on the CLARP System (which I of course documented).

Of course, the company went broke and collapsed.  It was because they hired
all those horrible engineering people and would never commit enough
resources to technical writing.  I only had 39 writers when the company
collapsed.  How were we expected to write 10 page user manuals with only 39
writers.  I kept telling them that an audience analysis took 17 writers a
minimum of 2 years.  But they wouldn't listen to me.  They kept talking
about profit and expenses yadda yadda yadda.

So then, I became and independent consultant.  Oh, glory be!  This was
smugness Nirvana.  Now I could charge $100 an hour to tell people they were
stupid.  Of course, I only knew how to use an Apple II and a Commodore 64,
but who needs to know about technology.  There are methodologies and
templates to build.

My first job was with a huge company.  I worked tirelessly each day for
four to five hours telling people why they were stupid.  I suggested
countless ways they could improve their procedures through adoption of
rigid methodologies and templates.  In the end, they let me go.  I think
the engineers didn't like me because I was smarter than them.

I am now the owner and principal smug writer for The Write Way.  Isn't that
clever how I use the word "write" instead of "right".  I thought of that on
my own.  We provide serious smugness for clients who have had a lobotomy.
OI am currently writing a book "How to Make A Truckload of Money without
Writing a Damn Thing."

I also lecture for the Society to Promote the Timeless Art of Technical
Communications.  My newest lecture is "L - The Undiscovered Letter."  It is
a four hour panel discussion (which I lead) about the introduction of the
letter L into the English language and how technical writers can really
benefit from more use of the letter L.  From on-line help (whatever that
is) to HTML, the letter L is a fantastic addition to any tech writer's
regular use of letters.

Of course, I  can't program, I don't understand any computers, and I never
have written a single useful document.  But, my dedication to the technical
communications profession is solid.  As a member of the AntiGerund
committee, I believe that all technical writers should be tied to stakes
and tested for 6 hours a year to ensure they know everything I know.  The
technical communications profession will only improve when all of us think,
act, and work exactly the same.

Send me some email if you would like to know more about me and how my
radiant wonderfulness can help you become a superior human - like me.

Andrew Plato
Superior Human

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NOTE:  This satirical post was specially designed to offend people.  You
may now go nuts and blame me for the destruction of humanity.


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