The military hears that chickens can cross a road

["M. Hunter-Kilmer" <mhunterk -at- BNA -dot- COM>]

Moral: Know thy users.

Melissa Hunter-Kilmer
mhunterk -at- bna -dot- com
(standard disclaimer)

*****************************************

Forwarded:

     Issue: "Why did the chicken cross the road?

     Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to
     familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing
     should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo
     chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety
     observer.

     Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a
     90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of
     communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have
     performed this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road
     bend in a valley.

     Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force,
     the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the
     road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the
     chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be
     required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not
     affect its opportunities for future promotion.

     Air Intelligence Agency (AIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
     neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.
     Questions? Please see the SSO.

     Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC): This event will need
     confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road
     types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually
     happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote
     possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as
     'roads.'

     Air Combat Command (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie
     only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's
     60-day road- crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or
     Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update
     currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

     Air Mobility Command (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is
     important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS
     and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without
     CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with
     near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.


     Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and
     the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

     COMMAND POST: What #$%&^* chicken?

     TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This
     road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken
     Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are
     required to read back all hold short instructions.

     C-130 CREWMEMBER: Just put the damn chicken in back and let's go.

     C-141 CREWMEMBER: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT chicken.
     Besides, where the hell are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I
     get my condiments!!!

     FIGHTER JOCK: Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for
     the day and I ain't got time for any more questions!

     B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show--we had an IFE so we couldn't get out
     to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

     F-117 CREW: Wasn't that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at 600
     knots, illuminated it's tailfeathers with the laser designator and
     goosed it before it even knew I was there!

     AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have
     no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE
     advises that such an event is extremely unlikely, in any case.

     CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2
     dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side
     of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, thereby
     destroying the will of the enemy to fight and thus ending the conflict
     on terms favorable to the chicken.

     CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22s!

     Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology,
     coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created
     new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken
     was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core
     competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems
     Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client,
     helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
     and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
     (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge
     capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
     technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
     Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of
     road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with
     deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
     itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
     and capital, both tacit and explicit,and to enable them to synergize
     with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
     and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
     value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
     processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and
     creating an impactful environment which was strategically based,
     mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
     Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision,
     and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
     business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office
     helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.