Computer Sales Jargon (humor)

Subject: Computer Sales Jargon (humor)
From: The Amplified Quill <dkp -at- IX -dot- NETCOM -dot- COM>
Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 21:59:33 GMT

The following was forwarded to me with credit given to Ron Schroeder,
Tech Support Rep: Rons2 -at- snni -dot- com - -

High-Tech Computer Sales Jargon:

NEW - Different color from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
DESIGN SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer has no test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works.
REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors'.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope . . . .
HANDCRAFTED - Assembly machinists worked without wearing gloves.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell
BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and makes noise
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE - Will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION - Old design failed; maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction.
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - None of the ones we had before worked
*this* way!
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things that we can't explain.
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs used to work for Boeing.

Don Pierstorff

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