Humour: Nocilis of Yppolf #4

["Brian J. Dooley" <Brian_Dooley -at- EQUINOX -dot- GEN -dot- NZ>]

Next item. For those new, lots of words are written backwards. Apart from
being somewhat funny, this is also used for "context busting" to isolate
words from their associations.


1.4  E Plurbis Unum

  Now, Nocilis had not gone very much farther when he was beset by a gang of
Tnatlusnoc. These ferocious creatures always travel in large packs, and can
generally be distinguished by their habit of making always much the same
noise. The noise itself changes from time to time, but it is a sure thing
that the whole tribe of Tnatlusnoc will take it up and each, according to
his capacity, will screech it, belch it, chortle it, or yodel it until a
victim either expires of the endless repetition or of the bad advice.
  Nocilis was cornered. He shook his ample nose and snorted hideously in the
traditional call to battle of his tribe. It had no effect. He shrugged. It
would be necessary to endure.
  "Hellomygoodsirthankyouforcallingus" the Tnatlusnoc cried in unison. Then
each stepped forward in turn for its specialty call:
  "Xinu," honked a large, fat one.
  "Ans," gargled a tall, serious one in a blue suit.
  "Tnemeganam," bleated a pin-striped type with a loud tie.
  "Derutcurts Edoc," burped a large one with a beard and bluejeans.
  And so forth. Then they broke into their chorus:

We are the knowing people,
Philosophers of DP;
We keep the sacred secrets,
And sell them for a fee;
Our advice is often useless,
And we follow ever fad;
But we're insured, so sue us,
If you feel you've been had.


  Nocilis had closed his eyes during this recitation, awaiting the worst.
But now there was silence, so he opened one eye cautiously and looked
around. The Tnatlusnoc were all standing frozen in position, making not a
move, uttering not a sound.
  "Remarkable," said Nocilis to himself. "What colossal power could have
caused this?"
  Then he saw it, just a speck as yet, descending rapidly towards its
prey...a Noitaluger! Now, these birds have been known to prey upon virtually
anything, and are generally considered dangerous scavengers, but Nocilis was
too relieved to consider them anything but good.
  "Oh, ye birds of the air, ye Noitaluger, come in great multitude and feast
upon these," he cried.
  Suddenly, the sky was full of them. Nocilis counted the possible articles
of food, then counted the number of birds, and seeing a great disparity
between the two, he departed hastily.
  But alas, escape was not to be had. For the land of the Tnatlusnoc is deep
and wide, and once within, it is nearly impossible to leave.  Nocilis had
come at last to the border, and there, in lofty prominence, in awesome
magnificence, in overwhelming self-imporance....there in the pass, and
solidly blocking the way was the bum of a PC Guru.
  "You must listen to me," he thundered, "for I am very important."
  "Indeed?" said Nocilis.
  "Of course. You have heard of me."
  "Surely, that makes you neither more nor less important," responded
Nocilis.
  "And I am very, very, big."
  "This is also true, but not of very much interst, I'm afraid."
  "But you will hear my story," said the Guru. "If you do not listen, I will
not let you past."
  "Well." said Nocilis, with some relief. He had not supposed that he would
be permitted to leave at all. There were many stories of travellers held
prisoner by such Gurus, talked at incessantly about the Guru's
accomplishements, interests, importance, knowledge, omnipotence,
omniscience, and so forth, until they gradually expired.
  "Well," continued Nocilis, "then go on."
   The Guru cleared its throat with a great harrumph that echoed through the
hills. He then began to sing:

"When I was young, I invented a system for counting the pigs in the sky.
It was just an amusement, it didn't concern me that, at the time, pigs
couldn't fly.
Now, accidents happen with Science, of course, and  the outcome is sure to
be big.
Giganticorp let a stray gene get away, and invented the flying pig.
The Director said "make it seem part of our plan, take a pig inventory," and
then--
They contacted me, and paid a large fee, and now I'm a genius again!

"(Hey Nonny, Nonny, there are bells in my tummy, and a bat just flew up my
nose.)

"Now I give lectures, on how to do business, and all of the businessmen
listen.
They all are respectful, because of the fortune I've made from my pig
counting system.
Giganticorp failed, and the pigs have all died, but I was a pioneer,
I made all my money by luck and by chance, but so I don't let it appear.
My fortune is growing, I know less and less, am renowned still for my
acumen;
So they all pay my fee, and listen to me, and now I'm a genius again.

"(Hey Nonny, Nonny, there are bells in my tummy, and a bat just flew up my
nose.)"

Before the last words were uttered, while the Guru was still wrapt in self
admiration, Nocilis had managed to slip away. Another day passed, another
brush with danger, and the great Nocilis was again on his way.

(Copyright 1993, Brian J. Dooley)


--
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