RE: Long sentences

Subject: RE: Long sentences
From: "Dori Green" <dgreen -at- associatedbrands -dot- com>
To: <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2007 12:17:36 -0500

Nancy Allison wrote:

The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, including improved
verification of a builder's construction practices, reduced paperwork,
streamlined communications, and comprehensive review and alerts to avoid
State-imposed fines.

*********************

The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, including:

o improved verification of a builder's construction practices

o reduced paperwork

o streamlined communications

o comprehensive review

o alerts to avoid State-imposed fines

I want the reader to see those benefits clearly -- and individually. Mushed
into text form, he might miss the one that makes him say "oh, I might want
that!"

Even if the alerts are supposed to be mushed with the review, I'd break them
out for that reason.

Just another 2c,

Dori Green

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References:
Long sentences: From: Nancy Allison

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