SATIRE: An Ugly Incident - My deep thoughts

[Andrew Plato <aplato -at- EASYSTREET -dot- COM>]

WARNING:  THIS IS A JOKE.  The National Board of Lunacy as asked us to post
this joke to ensure a proper balance of seriousness and stupidity.  This
satirical post it contains many humorous and irreverent remarks making light
of a current topic on this board.  Those who have had their sense of humor
removed by years of unrelenting egotism are strongly encouraged to NOT read
this message.

Don't forget to laugh.  Laughter is the best drug and form of birth control.

>>>>BEGIN SATIRE>>>>

Some thoughts on the ugly job incident posted anonymously:

1) You are right:  When the vice-president told you that you could work on
the project, you should immediately begin to tell everyone how stupid they
are.  I was a Senior Executive Regional Coordinating Administrative
Coordinator for the Technical Regional Communicator, I was called into the
Vice President's office and told I was doing a proverbial good job.  But
then he told me that I should consider using the Blanztarp method.  Well,
with my 20 years of important, executive consulting experience, I told him
to go to hell. My ideas were of course the right ones.  The poster is always
best served when he assumes his ideas are the absolute universally correct
ones and all opposing ideas are wholly wrong and must be immediately
ignored.

2) Always Assume:  Because when you assume you really saying "Ah sue me",
which means MONEY for you and the ability to make people look bad.  Remember
making people feel dumb is MUCH more important than working.

3) You got to respect those bitches:  Bitches and hos have been working
alongside manly men for centuries.  It is very important to respect them
tech writing bitches.  That means no pinching their butts, no telling them
how stupid they are, and no demanding sex for fonts.  Moreover, smacking
bitches at work is a big no no.  This is one issue men will never win 200
times out of 100, guaranteed, even if, somehow, the men are "right."  Tech
writing bitches just don't tolerate being smacked.  Therefore, leave all the
bitchsmaking at home.

Having even one male-female workplace bitchsmacking is one too many if
you're a man.

4) NEVER learn anything.  When you learn new things, you're making yourself
look like a jerk.  No one on the entire planet, and I know this for a fact
because I am a consultant, likes a person who is intelligent.  You should
always remember that what you know it the way it really is, and what
everyone else says is BS. If your boss asks you to learn a new tool,
demonstrate why such knowledge violates some tenant of your religion.  Cite
news stories from the 700 Club when in doubt.  For example, "No I cannot
attend that training.  Mohalla say 'thou shalt not use RoboHelp when in the
company of the serif fonts.'"

5) ALWAYS put your hard-core pornography on the company web server.
Pornography makes you a better technical writer.  Moreover, you can safely
keep all those large MPG files in a convenient place for immediate
enjoyment.  Also, keep all your letters about executing co-workers on the
company file server.  Public directories are a great place to keep those.

6) Shout at people who don't understand:  People who are stupid or foreign
need to be shouted at, because they are clearly dumber you.  I run an
important, powerful, huge company.  We control the entire technical writing
community with our massive, important seminars and consulting practices.  We
have learned the power of yelling at people and telling them they are dumb.
Dumb people need to be told how dumb they are.  It really helps them
understand the importance of the technical communication we do.

7) Sue! Sue! Sue!  When you don't like your employer or they ask you to do
something clearly outside of your skill set - you better sue 'em.  By
demanding that you do work, they defamed your character and hurt the
timeless art of technical communication.  You should get a hold of the
landmark decision "Crumbpoker vs Intel".  In this case, Dan Crumbpoker, a
respected technical communicator was asked by his boss to write up a
specification on a new networking product.  The manager asked him to use
BlabMaker 2.0.  Well, Dan is a certified expert with on-line help and
FrontPlaque 3.0.  By asking him to use a tool, which only idiots, drug
users, and prostitutes use, he had defamed his character.  When Dan was
fired by his boss for not working, he fought back and won nothing.  But the
decision set the way for dedicated egomaniac tech writers to tighten their
grip on a pathetic community of morons.

8) Revere my words:  As a Grand Master Technical Communicator, I am one of
the few humans on the plant to know everything.  The poster is best served
by revering my words and generously thanking me for my amazing wisdom.
Also, the moderator of this board should immediately grant me Superior Human
Status since I am selfishly dedicating my wisdom to the Timeless Art of
Technical Communication.

Moving on to the rest of the questions:

A) The poster was wrong to do anything that was not personally approved by
me.

B) The poster should immediately tell all his potential employers how that
last company "Shafted you big time."  Interviewers are always delighted to
hear your one-sided opinions about your previous employer.

C) If the poster is interested, my crack staff of Master Technical
Communicators can be on-site demonstrating how to be smug in a few days.  We
can also help you with all those templates and style guides.

Dr. Andrew Plato Ph.D., Esq., BFD
Master Senior Executive Technical Communications Consultant

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PS:  To answer your question: Yes, I have no friends.

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