Humor

[John Posada <john -at- TDANDW -dot- COM>]

Someone sent me this and I thought that since we discuss finding positions....

Resume Writing Tips from the Intelligence-Impaired:
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July
21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
1.  "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2.  "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3.  "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4.  "Reason for leaving last job:  maturity leave."
5.  "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6.  "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7.  "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8.  "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9.  "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10.  "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11.  "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12.  "Marital status:  single.  Unmarried.  Unengaged.  Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13.  "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14.  "I am loyal to my employer at all costs...  Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."
15.  "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing."
16.  "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17.  "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18.  "Personal interests:  donating blood.  Fourteen gallons so far."
19.  "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20.  "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21.  "Note:  Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.  I have never
quit a job."
22.  "Marital status:  often.  Children:  various."
23.  "Reason for leaving last job:  They insisted that all employees  get to work
by 8:45 am every morning.  I couldn't work under those  conditions."
24.  "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25.  "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26.  "References:  none.  I've left a path of destruction behind  me."

And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were taken  from actual
performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was
previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

John Posada