Computer Viruses (HUMOR)

[GINGER JONES <FFKB48A -at- PRODIGY -dot- COM>]

Beware of the following computer viruses...

Federal Bureaucrat Virus -- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus -- Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe
just can't figyour out watt.

Gallup Poll Virus -- Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38%
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of
error)

Paul Revere Virus -- revolutionary virus doesn't horse around.  It
warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by
C:

Politically Correct Virus -- never calls itself a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Right to Life Virus -- Won't allow you to delete a file regardless of
how old it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus -- Activates every component in your system just
before the whole thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus -- It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.


Oprah Winfrey Virus -- Your 2000 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80
MB, then slowly expands back to 200 MB

ATT Virus -- Every three minutes it tells you what great service your
getting

MCI Virus -- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying
too much for the ATT Virus

Ted Turner Virus -- Colorizes your monochrome monitor

Arnold Schwarzennegger Virus -- Terminates and stays resident.  It
will be back!

Government Economist Virus -- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus -- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

Terry Randle Virus -- Yells "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas Virus -- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus -- Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Michael Jackson Virus -- Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance.  This virus won't harm your PC, but it will
trash your car.

Congressional Virus -- The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other
side for the problem.

Airline Virus -- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus -- Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS Virus -- Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus -- Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

Ollie North Virus -- Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Nike Virus -- Just Does It!

Sears Virus -- Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus -- Nobody can find it.

Congressional Virus -- Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus -- Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.


Imelda Marcos Virus -- Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus -- Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.

Health Care Virus -- Test your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus -- It starts by boldly stating, "Read my text....no
new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congress Virus.


Cleveland Indians Virus -- Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT.

LAPD Virus -- It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Chicago Cubs Virus -- Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Ginger Jones
FFKB48A -at- Prodigy -dot- com