HUMOR: Spelling Simplification

[Fred M Jacobson <fred -at- BOOLE -dot- COM>]

Greeting-

Here's a little humor to start your weekend.

-Fred
--
INTERNET: fred -at- boole -dot- com           PHONE: (408) 524-3292  FAX: (408) 730-0558
USPS: Fred Jacobson / Boole & Babbage / 510 Oakmead Pkwy / Sunnyvale CA 94086

----- Begin Included Message -----

        The following essay is the slightly modified work of a Navel
    officer with a lot of time on his hands as he was assigned shore
    duty during WWII.  It appears to have withstood the test of time
    well.



                          MEIHEM IN CE KLASRUM

                            by Dolton Edwards
       copied from A STRESS ANALYSIS OF A STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN,
                       Essays for a Scientific Age

        Because we are still bearing some of the scars of our brief
    skirmish with II-B English, is is natural that we should be
    enchanted by Mr. George Bernard Shaw's proposal for a simplified
    alphabet.

        Obviously, as Mr. Shaw points out, English spelling is in much
    need of a general overhauling and streamlining.  However, our own
    resistance to any changes requiring a large expenditure of mental
    effort in the near future would cause us to view with some
    apprehension the possibility of some day receiving a morning paper
    printed in - to us - Greek.

        Our own plan would achieve the same end as the legislation
    proposed by Mr. Shaw, but in a less shocking manner, as it
    consists merely of an acceleration of the normal processes by
    which the language is continually modernized.

        As a catalytic agent, we would suggest that a "National Easy
    Language Week" be proclaimed, which the President would
    inaugurate, outlining some short cut to concentrate on during the
    week, and to be adopted during the ensuing year.  All school
    children would be given a holiday, the lost time being the
    equivalent of that gained by the spelling short cut.

        In 1992, for example, we would urge the elimination of the
    soft "c," for which we would substitute "s."  Sertainly, such an
    improvement would be selebrated in all sivic-minded sircles as
    being suffisiently worth the trouble, and students in all sities
    in the land would be reseptive toward any change eliminating the
    nesessity of learning the differense between the two letters.

        In 1993, sinse only the hard "c" would be left, it would be
    possible to substitute "k" for it, both letters being pronounsed
    identikally.  Imagine how greatly only two years of this prosess
    would klarify the konfusion in the minds of students.  Already we
    would have elimiinated an entire letter from the alphabet.  Type-
    writers and linotypes kould all be built with one less letter, and
    all the manpower and materials proveously devoted to making "c's"
    kould be turned toward raising the national standard of living.

        In the fase of so many notable improvements, it is easy to
    foresee that by 1994 "National Easy Language Week" would be a
    pronounsed sukses.  All skhool tshildren would be looking forward
    with konsiderable exsitement to the holiday, and in a blaze of
    national publisity it would be announsed that the double konsonant
    "ph" no longer existed, and that the sound would henseforth be
    written "f" in all words.  This would make sutsh words as
    "fonograf" twenty persent shorter in print.

        By 1995, publik interest in a fonetik alfabet kan be expekted
    to have inkreased to the point where a more radikal step forward
    kan be taken without fear of undue kritisism.  We would therefore
    urge the elimination at that time of al unesesary double leters,
    whitsh, although quite harmles, have always ben a nuisanse in the
    language and a desided deterent to akurate speling.  Try it
    yourself in the next leter you write, and se if both writing and
    reading are not fasilitated.

        With so mutsh progres already made, it might be posible in
    1996 to delve further into the posibilities of fonetik speling.
    After due konsideration of the reseption aforded the previous
    steps, it should be expedient by this time to spel al difthongs
    fonetikaly.  Most students do not realize that the long "i" and
    "y," as in "time" and "by," are aktualy the difthong "ai" as it is
    writen in "aisle," and that the long "a" in "fate," is in reality
    the difthong "ei" as in "rein."  although perhaps not imediately
    aparent, the saving in taime and efort wil be tremendous when we
    leiter elimineite the sailent "e," as meide posible bai this last
    tsheinge.

        For, as is wel known, the horible mes of "e's" apearing in our
    writen language is kaused prinsipaly bai the present nesesity of
    indikeiting whether a vowel is long or short.  Therefore, in 1997
    we kould simply elimineit al sailent "e's," and kontinu to read
    and wrait merily along as though we wer in an atomik ag of
    edukation.

        In 1998 we would urg a greit step forward.  Sins bai this
    taim it would have ben four years sins anywun had used the leter
    "c," we would sugest that the "National Easy Languag Wek" for 1998
    be devoted to substitution of "c" for "Th."  To be sur it would be
    som taim befor peopl would bekom akustomd to reading ceir
    newspapers and buks wic sutsh sentenses in cem as "Ceodor caught
    he had cre cousand cistls crust crough ce cik of his cumb."

        In ce seim maner, bai meiking eatsh leter hav its own sound
    and cat sound only, we kould shorten ce languag stil mor. In 1999
    we would elimineit ce "y"; cen in 2000 we dould us ce leter to
    indikeit ce "sh" sound, cerbai klarifaiing words laik yugar and
    yur, as wel as redusing bai wun mor leter al words laik "yut,"
    "your," and so forc.  Cink, cen, of al ce benefits to be geined
    bai ce distinktion whitsh wil cen be maid between words laik:

                ocean           now writen oyean

                machine         now writen mayin

                racial          now writen reiyial

        Al sutsh divers wies of wraiting wun sound would no longer
    exist, and whenever wun kaim akros a "y" sound he would know
    exaktli what to wrait.

        Kontinuing cis proses, iear after iear, we would eventuali
    hav ei reali sensibl writen languag.  By 2015, wi ventiur to sei,
    cer wud be no mor uv ces teribli trublsum difkultis, wic no tu
    leters usd to indikeit ce seim nois, and laikwais no tu noises
    riten wic ce seim leter.  Even Mr. Yaw, wi beliv, wud be hapi in
    ce noleg cat his drims fainali keim tru.



----- End Included Message -----