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Jessica, you said "It helps, of course, to bother them as little as possible and to ask the smartest questions you can." It's been my experience the second part of that sentence is the critical point. Software developers have a very strong tendency to consider themselves a technical and intellectual elite. It is very common for them to refuse to make time for other people because they feel those other people somehow don't measure up. They easily develop the attitude that they shouldn't waste their time with people who don't know as much as they do, because they're afraid they'll get trapped into having to spend a lot of time giving baby-talk explanations.
It can be crucial for tech writers working in software projects to get training in software development, and software QA. That can make a world of difference in relations with the people you have to go to for information.
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