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Neither sentence is clear enough for me because I can see multiple
interpretations for each sentence. Lose the comma because it tends to
create a new thought that probably shouldn't be there.
I would want to write the sentence as follows.
The bank should have clear standards for the collection and modification of
all elements and the standards should combine these elements in a manner
that most effectively enables it to quantify its exposure to operational
risk.
- or -
The bank should have clear standards for the collection and modification of
all elements that combine these elements in a manner that most effectively
enables it to quantify its exposure to operational risk.
Lauren
> -----Original Message-----
> From: techwr-l-bounces+lauren=writeco -dot- net -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
> [mailto:techwr-l-bounces+lauren=writeco -dot- net -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
> ] On Behalf Of Nancy Allison
> Sent: Tuesday, April 22, 2008 8:13 AM
> To: techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
> Subject: Repeat the verb?
>
> Please note: a bulleted list is not permissible in this
> document. It's not the style. And, because the document is
> describing complex regulatory requirements and relationships,
> sentences tend to be dense and full. I rewrite the worst, and
> I consider this sentence to be borderline, but I'm going to
> leave it as is. There's too much else to do on the doc in the
> time I have.
>
> Having provided that context, I ask you this: if you had to
> incorporate the following sentence as is (and not break it
> into two sentences, or a bulleted list, or anything else that
> a reasonably talented tech writer would immediately do),
> which version would you use? And, please tell me if you would
> add or remove any punctuation:
>
> ---The bank should have clear standards for the collection
> and modification of all elements, and should combine these
> elements in a manner that most effectively enables it to
> quantify its exposure to operational risk.
>
> ---The bank should have clear standards for the collection
> and modification of all elements, and combine these elements
> in a manner that most effectively enables it to quantify its
> exposure to operational risk.
>
> I always want to repeat the modal auxiliary; it seems too
> hard to wade through the first long noun phrase and instantly
> remember that auxiliary when you hit the second base verb
> form. However, I have been informed that this type of
> repetition is "bad English."
>
> Whaddya say?
>
> --Nancy
>
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printed documentation. Features include support for Windows Vista & 2007
Microsoft Office, team authoring, plus more. http://www.DocToHelp.com/TechwrlList
True single source, conditional content, PDF export, modular help.
Help & Manual is the most powerful authoring tool for technical
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