RE: Long sentences

Subject: RE: Long sentences
From: "Lauren" <lt34 -at- csus -dot- edu>
To: "'Nancy Allison'" <maker -at- verizon -dot- net>, <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com>
Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2007 10:41:29 -0800

I appreciate the well-written long sentence. Sentences should be short to
accommodate the short-attention span, but when the reader is little more in
tune with the subject-matter, then the sentences can be longer. Generally,
a long sentence without any punctuation can be uncomfortable to read, unless
the writer modulates the tone of the content very well. A sentence with too
much punctuation, however, is choppy to read.

The sentence in your example is not very long. Now I was taught in high
school that a phrase or sentence that is more than 16 words long needs some
form of punctuation and no sentence should not be more than 35 words long.
Now I have learned a lot more about writing since high school and I have
written and read many sentences that violate these rules and read very well
because they are written very well. My sentences frequently get long.

Your first sentence example seems a little too parenthetical to me. I also
have a hard time understanding the use of the word "permit." Is that a noun
or a verb? The phrase just sort of pops out there. The second example
seems acceptable, but I would change ", including" to "that include" to put
this in a stronger active voice. The stronger voice can also pique the
reader's interest to see how program will provide these benefits.

Lauren

-----Original Message-----
From: techwr-l-bounces+lt34=csus -dot- edu -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
[mailto:techwr-l-bounces+lt34=csus -dot- edu -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com] On Behalf Of
Nancy Allison
Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 7:02 AM
To: techwr-l -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
Subject: Long sentences

I'm working on a document that has a very good Introduction -- except for
one thing that I can't quite decide about. Some of the sentences are awfully
long. Would you break up or reorganize these sentences? (I'm changing the
topic in these examples):

The Sunshine program spans all areas of personal homebuilding efforts --
permit authorization through post-construction inspection and reporting --
ensuring comprehensive, documented compliance for any builder to all local
and state regulations.

Or

The Sunshine program delivers several immediate benefits, including improved
verification of a builder's construction practices, reduced paperwork,
streamlined communications, and comprehensive review and alerts to avoid
State-imposed fines.

To me, these sentences, though ambitious, flow pretty well. (I'm sorry if my
substitutions are sufficiently odd to be distracting in themselves.) In the
first example, I'd change "compliance to" to "compliance with" but otherwise
I don't see any problem with the English.

The document in question is for an American industry that conducts business
in English, and it is very unlikely to be translated. So, the somewhat dense
construction will not be an impediment to translators.

Finally, this is an introductory section, and it would not be appropriate to
break everything into bulleted lists. Prose really is preferable here.

Your thoughts?


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Create HTML or Microsoft Word content and convert to Help file formats or
printed documentation. Features include single source authoring, team
authoring, Web-based technology, and PDF output.
http://www.DocToHelp.com/TechwrlList

Now shipping: Help &amp; Manual 4 with RoboHelp(r) import! New editor, full
Unicode support. Create help files, web-based help and PDF in up to 106
languages with Help &amp; Manual: http://www.helpandmanual.com

---
You are currently subscribed to TECHWR-L as lt34 -at- csus -dot- edu -dot-

To unsubscribe send a blank email to
techwr-l-unsubscribe -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
or visit http://lists.techwr-l.com/mailman/options/techwr-l/lt34%40csus.edu


To subscribe, send a blank email to techwr-l-join -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com

Send administrative questions to admin -at- techwr-l -dot- com -dot- Visit
http://www.techwr-l.com/techwhirl/ for more resources and info.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Create HTML or Microsoft Word content and convert to Help file formats or
printed documentation. Features include single source authoring, team authoring,
Web-based technology, and PDF output. http://www.DocToHelp.com/TechwrlList

Now shipping: Help &amp; Manual 4 with RoboHelp(r) import! New editor,
full Unicode support. Create help files, web-based help and PDF in up
to 106 languages with Help &amp; Manual: http://www.helpandmanual.com

---
You are currently subscribed to TECHWR-L as archive -at- infoinfocus -dot- com -dot-

To unsubscribe send a blank email to
techwr-l-unsubscribe -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com
or visit http://lists.techwr-l.com/mailman/options/techwr-l/archive%40infoinfocus.com


To subscribe, send a blank email to techwr-l-join -at- lists -dot- techwr-l -dot- com

Send administrative questions to admin -at- techwr-l -dot- com -dot- Visit
http://www.techwr-l.com/techwhirl/ for more resources and info.


Previous by Author: RE: BIG Word file to PDF - with bookmarks?
Next by Author: RE: Techie's List
Previous by Thread: RE: Long sentences
Next by Thread: RE: Long sentences


What this post helpful? Share it with friends and colleagues:


Sponsored Ads