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Subject:HUMOR: What to ask in an interview From:Andrew Plato <gilliankitty -at- yahoo -dot- com> To:"TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com> Date:Fri, 11 Oct 2002 02:54:28 -0700 (PDT)
Another TECHWR-Ler listed some pretty good questions to ask employers. Well,
naturally this was an opportunity to wonder what some honest answers to these
questions might look like.
WARNING: Nobody should read this. It contains weapons grade satire.
> 1. What are the company's strengths and weaknesses compared to its competition?
We relentlessly batter our customers into purchasing our substandard products and
services and premium prices. This includes our exquisitely generated
documentation which is comprehensible only to highly drugged schizophrenics.
> 2. How important does upper management consider the function of this
department/position?
Did you see the salary expectations on the ad? Yeaaah, we'll you may want to go
ahead and get yourself a night job at a fish cannery or something.
> 3. What is the organization's plan for the next five years, and how does this
department fit in?
Organization: make as much money as possible. Tech pubs: generate as much heat as
possible and very little light.
> 4. Could you explain your organizational structure?
God > CEO > the rest of you
> 5. How will my leadership responsibilities and performance be measured? By
whom?
Raw tonnage of work done. It will be evaluated by me. And do you actually have
any friends?
> 6. What are the day-to-day responsibilities of this job?
Show up, sit down, shut up, work harder.
> 7. Could you describe your company's management style and the type of employee
who fits well with it?
Well, some think we're a type A, some say type R, others say we're Dextron II,
and some think we're 10W30. Personally, I'd say we're 245/ZR16. But according to
the Institute of Utterly Meaningless Categorizations that Enrich the Lives of
Morons our firm is FGG-19928372-Level 0 Certified. And you know what that means.
The ideal employee is one who works tirelessly for free.
> 8. What are some of the skills and abilities necessary for someone to succeed
in this job?
Competence would be nice. But we'll settle for merely sane.
> 9. What is the company's policy on providing seminars, workshops, and training
so employees can keep up their skills or acquire new ones?
We prefer to train trainers who train trainers that train the trainer's trainer
to train trainers. Somewhere in there we get stock options. Yay!
> 10. What particular computer equipment and software do you use?
We prefer to use 386-16s with 4MB of RAM running and obscure German variant of
Linux. You will be expected to master this technology in 20 minutes. But
technical support is "widely" available for it on the Internet.
> 11. What kind of work can I expect to be doing the first year?
Apparently nothing.
> 12. What percentage of routine, detailed work will I encounter?
Life is one big routine, detailed job. Don't you go to church or something to get
your hierarchy of greeds met?
> 13. How much opportunity is there to see the end result of my efforts?
You want a medal or something? Be happy we removed the asbestos from the ceiling
tiles.
> 14. Who will review my performance? How often? What is my performance based on?
This little scuffy dude will come around every few months to review your
performance. It will be based on a wide array of personality and odor factors.
> 15. How much guidance or assistance is made available to individuals in
developing career goals?
Did you see a sign on the door that said counseling office? Okay, then why don't
you spend a wee more time doing your job and a little less time wondering if you
can get the corner office with the big hairy plants in it.
> 16. How much opportunity will I have for decision-making in my first
assignment?
Coffee, tea, or water. Blue or black ink. Direct deposit or check. That kind of
stuff.
> 17. Can you describe an ideal employee?
Commander Data on Star Trek comes to mind.
Andrew Plato
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