HUMOR: Consultants vs Contractors vs Permanents

Subject: HUMOR: Consultants vs Contractors vs Permanents
From: Andrew Plato <intrepid_es -at- yahoo -dot- com>
To: "TECHWR-L" <techwr-l -at- lists -dot- raycomm -dot- com>
Date: Tue, 13 Feb 2001 14:59:45 -0800 (PST)

How consultants, contractors, and permanent workers solve problems.

Problem: A light bulb is burnt out.

The consultant advocates the use of his time honored LightBulbatus
Uncouplization Methodology. This system provides a comprehensive system to
analyze, document, approve, review, discuss, contemplate, design, test,
implement, support, and supply a full light-bulb re-insertion system. The
almost trademarked Blubor Process stresses detailed task-scope-splat analysis
to insure the proper light bulb extraction system is implemented in an
expedient maximizing billable hours. The conclusion is that the company should
setup a task force to remove the bulb.

The employee requests a meeting with the entire team to brainstorm ideas on how
to remove the bulb. From this he generates a team consensus. The consensus
decision must be approved by the Lighting Task Committee. Then marketing,
maintenance, IT, purchasing, HR, sales, and the insidious little weasel mail
room clerk require input to the decision. Their input will be properly
documented and forewarded to all involved parties (namely those completely in
the dark) for input, knee-jerk reactions, and random tantrums. These issues
will be compiled into an Action Items list, published on the intranet. The
team must then systematically review and approve each item, which is then sent
to a Lighting Removal Coordinator for the appropriate action. The coordinator
contracts a Senior C++ Programmer at $275 an hour to remove the light bulb.

The contractor looks at the bulb and says "not my frickin problem, call
maintenance." At which point the company President begs the contractor to
become a full time employee for a 500% pay cut with 1/99th of the prestige and
70,000 shares of worthless stock options.

The company then gets 97 billion in venture capital to start a web site
targeted to pre-adolescent auto-mechanics residing in Snuffytown, OH.


Sigh. I have too much work. Somebody just buy my company from me so I can go
pet cats all day.

Andrew Plato

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